Unicorn in polyamory: meaning, etiquette and tips
In polyamory, a unicorn is a single person, often a bisexual woman, who dates both members of an existing couple, usually as part of a triad. The name comes from the idea that such a person is rare. "Unicorn hunting" is when a couple goes looking for that person, and it has a mixed reputation because many couples approach it in ways that leave the third person with fewer rights than the couple.
This guide explains what the term means, why unicorn hunting gets a bad name, and how couples and unicorns can date respectfully and fairly. For related vocabulary, see the polyamory glossary.
Where the term comes from
The word reflects a common wish list: a single person who is attracted to both partners, wants to date them together, is happy to be exclusive to the couple, will not disrupt the existing relationship, and will step away if things become difficult. People who meet every part of that description are rare, hence the comparison to a mythical creature.
The term is used in several ways. Some people use it neutrally for anyone who dates a couple. Some single people embrace it with humour and describe themselves as unicorns. Others find it reductive, because it defines a whole person by their role for a couple.
Why unicorn hunting gets a bad name
Unicorn hunting is not wrong in itself. Plenty of three-person relationships have formed this way and lasted. It gets a bad name because of some common patterns.
The couple sets all the rules
Many couples arrive with a full set of rules already decided: the third person must date both partners equally, must be exclusive to them, must never be alone with one of them, and must leave if either partner says so. The new person has had no say in any of it. That is a relationship in which one person is a guest in someone else's arrangement.
Equal attraction is expected
Couples often require the third person to be equally attracted to both of them, at the same pace. Real attraction rarely works that way. Expecting it puts pressure on everyone and makes it hard for the relationship to grow naturally.
The third person is disposable
When a couple's agreement includes a veto, or an understanding that the couple's relationship always comes first, the third person may lose their relationship, and sometimes their home, through no fault of their own. Our guide to hierarchical vs non-hierarchical polyamory covers vetoes and their effects.
The couple is fixing a problem
Sometimes a couple looks for a third person to spice things up, prevent one partner from straying, or save a struggling relationship. That puts a heavy, unspoken burden on someone who did not sign up for it.
Assumptions about bisexual women
Because unicorn hunting so often involves a heterosexual couple looking for a bisexual woman, it can carry assumptions that bisexual women are always available or that their attraction to women is a bonus for the couple.
Etiquette for couples
If you are a couple who would like to date a third person together, these habits make a real difference:
- See a person, not a role. Get to know someone for who they are, and let the relationship take whatever shape fits.
- Be open to individual connections. If one of you clicks more than the other, that can be fine. Many of the healthiest triads start as two people dating.
- Bring a short list of agreements, not a rulebook. Share any non-negotiable items, such as sexual health, early. Leave the rest to negotiate together.
- Give the third person a voice. Anything that affects them should be decided with them, not for them.
- Think about what happens if things change. If the relationship ends, or you two break up, how will the third person be treated?
- Do not hide your partner. Be honest from the first message that you are a couple and what you are hoping for.
- Look after your own relationship first, on your own time. Do not expect a new person to manage your jealousy for you.
Our guide to how polyamorous couples date covers these points in more depth.
Advice for unicorns
If you are a single person interested in dating couples, you can choose the terms:
- Ask about rules early. Find out what agreements the couple already has and which ones would apply to you.
- Ask about vetoes. Find out whether either partner can end your relationship with the other.
- Meet each partner as a person. Spending time with each one individually can tell you a lot.
- Notice how they handle disagreement. Couples who can talk openly about difficult topics are usually safer to date.
- Keep your own support. Stay connected to friends and, if you like, other partners, so the couple is not your only source of support.
- Trust your instincts. If you feel like a guest rather than a partner, it is fine to walk away.
Unicorns, triads and throuples
A unicorn relationship can grow into a triad or throuple, where all three people are in relationships with each other, or it can stay closer to a V, where one person is the hinge. Our guides to triad relationships and throuples explain how those structures work. Whatever the shape, the relationships tend to last when each person has a real say.
Related terms
- Unicorn hunter: a couple looking for a unicorn. Often used critically.
- Triad: three people who are all in relationships with each other.
- V: one person with two partners who are not involved with each other.
- Metamour: your partner's other partner. See what is a metamour.
Where couples and unicorns meet
Couples and singles who want to date this way can meet on polyamory dating sites, at community events and through friends. On Polyamory Contacts, couples can share a profile and singles can say clearly what kinds of connection they are open to. If you specifically want to meet people who identify as unicorns, our sister site Unicorn Dates is built around that kind of connection. Wherever you meet, the etiquette above applies.
Frequently asked questions
What does unicorn mean in polyamory?
A single person, often a bisexual woman, who dates both members of an existing couple, usually as part of a triad.
What is unicorn hunting?
When a couple looks for a single person to date them both. It has a mixed reputation because some couples set all the rules in advance.
Is unicorn hunting wrong?
Not in itself. Problems arise when the third person has no say, is expected to be equally attracted to both, or can be dismissed at any time.
Why is it called a unicorn?
Because the person many couples hope for, who meets every item on their wish list, is rare.
How can couples date a unicorn respectfully?
Treat them as a full partner, share agreements early, give them a voice, be open to individual connections and plan for what happens if things change.
Can a unicorn relationship become a triad?
Yes. When all three people develop relationships with each other, it becomes a triad or throuple.